Tycoon
by macrauchenia
Summary: Or the disastrous results when Connie and Armin build a zoo and accidentally unleash the animals on the unsuspecting guests. [Modern!AU]


**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Nothing at all. Everything belongs to its rightful owners.

**Author's Note: **I am so sorry. I literally almost deleted this, but by some miracle it survived. To those of you who have never played Zoo Tycoon, this will make probably no sense. Still, I just had to get some utter silliness out of my system, 'cause the next couple of things you see from me will not be this cheery.  
Also, I couldn't delete this because Connie is just so precious.

* * *

_"Playin' games on my computers?!"_

Armin's knee jerked up at the shout behind him, slamming into the bottom of the table and causing the entire row of computers to rattle. If it hadn't been for the desk to stop his panicked ascent, the boy probably would have jumped a foot in the air.

"I'm s-so s-sorr—_Connie?!_" Armin's terrified stammered and wide eyes quickly morphed into a far less comical expression of extreme annoyance.

"Man, Armin. You should have seen how high you jumped. I thought you were gonna clear the roof there for a minute. Your face was priceless."

Armin eyed the unwanted intruder with a baleful stare. His knee still pulsed from where it had smashing into the computer desk and his heart was slowly returning to its normal pace.

"I thought you were Shadis," Armin hissed, glancing towards the dangerous librarian only a few meters away. Connie's little trick had already alerted the bearded man and he glared in the boys' direction ominously. No doubt he would have lived up to his terrifying reputation if Armin hadn't smiled winningly at him to defuse suspicions.

"You thought my impression was that good?" Connie sounded smug.

Armin was still irritated. "Not really, but what did you expect, screaming in my ear like that," he muttered.

"How else was I going to get your attention? You've been glued to that stupid screen," Connie gestured noncommittally towards the desktop screen without paying attention to its contents, "ever since you got here." Connie tilted his head and studied the boy. "Say, why are you here anyway?"

"Same could be said for you," Armin responded, quirking an eyebrow at the silver haired boy in front of him. "The library is the least place I'd expect to find Connie Springer."

The older teen scowled. "Not by my own free will. Shadis caught me chewing gum again, so he busted me for a week of detention." The boy lazily popped a bubble, clearly not remorseful for his grievous sin.

Armin nodded. It made sense. The Shadis was infamous for his devotion to the rules—and making children miserable. "I'm here because I'm waiting for a ride," Armin confessed with a rueful twist of the lips. "Eren and Mikasa both have sports practice, so I just wait in here until they finish."

"Yeah?" It was more of a casual acceptance than a request for clarification.

"Yeah," Armin echoed. He wanted to turn back to his game, unsure of how much precious time had passed while he had chatted with Connie.

"So, what're you playing then?" Connie nodded towards the pixelated screen. "Looks like—"

"Zoo Tycoon," Armin rushed out, his ears turning a deep crimson.

"Zoo Tycoon…" mused Connie, nodding once. "My sister played that once. She's eight."

"Yeah." The blush spread across Armin's face until it stained his cheeks scarlet. He waited for Connie to begin the rest of his insults, but they never came. Instead the boy sat down in the chair next to Armin and blinked at the screen expectantly.

"So, what do you do?"

Armin looked back at the screen, then to Connie, and then back to the screen again. "Uh…" The silver haired boy seemed genuinely interested and Armin couldn't detect any malice or secret agenda. "Well, you basically make a zoo."

"What?"

"You build the animal enclosures and you buy the animals and you feed them and all and you can set up shops and…yeah…." Armin finished lamely. He couldn't remember the last time he had a conversation that included so many _yeahs. _

"Dude, that sounds awesome!"

_"What?!_"

Or _whats_ for that matter.

"You mean you get to pick which animals you want?"

"Uh-huh," Armin nodded, reaching towards the mouse. He joggled the device to dispel the screensaver and hovered over one of the nearest exhibits. "See? This is the zebra exhibit."

Connie leaned forward and squinted at the screen. "Wait—click on that one!" He pointed excitedly at a pixelated zebra rubbing against an equally pixelated tree. Armin clicked on it before he remembered the secret he had been trying to hide.

Connie's eyes narrowed as he read the zebra's stats. "Jean? That's a funny name for a zebra." Connie glanced back at the blond as if the latter could explain.

Armin sighed gustily. "Another feature is that you can name the animals or the zoo keepers if you want to. I, uh, ran out of ideas for names, so I had to…_borrow _some from our classmates."

Connie cackled loudly, earning another warning glare from Shadis. "So you named the zebra after Jean? Zebras—they're like the arrogant horses of Africa."

Armin smiled faintly.

Connie looked back at the screen and gestured towards another exhibit. "Oooh! What about that one! Who'd you name the giraffe after?"

"Bertholdt." Armin's wan smile grew a bit wider at Connie's unrestrained cackling. However, that smile quickly dropped when Shadis quickly strode towards the two boys. Armin quickly clicked off into a black word document before the man could see what they were really doing. No doubt he would have an aneurism at the sight of the pixely game plaguing his precious desktop computers.

"What are you two laughing at?" the librarian demanded in a voice not so different from Connie's earlier impersonation.

"Nothing, sir," Armin responded automatically.

"Yeah, Armin just told me a joke, but now we're going to get back to work," Connie added. Shadis seemed unconvinced, especially since the computer in front of the older boy wasn't even turned on. Still, he had books to catalogue and couldn't afford to waste time on two giggling students. Issuing another stern warning, the librarian marched away.

Armin had to suppress another wave of nervous titters after swapping wide grins with Connie.

"That was too close," the blond breathed, feeling an ache in his side from holding back the laughter. Connie was having a harder time keeping a straight face, trembling with silent chuckles racking his thin frame.

"I'm s-sorry," the boy gasped, trying to contain his laughter. "It's just," he wiped away moisture from his eyes, "those names are just perfect."

Armin turned back towards the screen and bit his lip to stop his smile. "You haven't met Reiner the Rhino yet."

"_Oh my God."_ Connie had to physically thrust his fist into his mouth to stop from laughing out loud. "What else do you have?" he whispered hoarsely after a moment of collecting his composure.

"That's about it." The blond drummed the buttons on the mouse with his middle fingers and turned back to face Connie. "I decided to start a new zoo today, so I deleted all of my old ones. The only other exhibit I have is the leopard exhibit. That's just Mikasa and Eren. See?" He highlighted two pixelated blobs—one black and one gray. "The black one is Mikasa and the gray one is Eren."

_Congratulations! Mikasa is now pregnant._

There was a stunned silence as both boys read the flashing green message. Their heads turned slowly towards each other, their eyes wide orbs of copper and blue. There was a soft choking noise as the older teen undoubtedly swallowed his gum.

"I—I didn't t-think that would happen!" Armin sputtered. He was the first to break from the shock.

"Are you telling me we can _breed_ these things?!"

Armin nodded miserably. "The leopards aren't supposed to breed—only things from the same exact species. One was a cloud leopard and the other was a blac—"

"So you're telling me that those two pixels just banged and are now going to have a baby leopard?"

Flushed and mortified beyond belief, the blond could only nod, completely dumbstruck.

"Eren and Mikasa," Connie drawled slowly.

"I guess…"

Connie grinned and bolted upright in his chair, causing the stained plastic to squeal. "This game is freakin' amazing."

Armin blinked at his friend. "Are you _insane? _We just implied that Eren and Mikasa are going to have a _baby_."

"So?" Connie asked, lifting up an eyebrow. He didn't seem to be phased by the moral dangers of the game. "I mean, it's about damn time, if you ask me."

Armin tried not to choke on his own saliva, but Connie's blatant acceptance of the game's turn of events caught him by surprise.

Instead of allowing time for his friend to recover his breath, Connie just barreled onto the next question. "Can you hook me up with someone next?"

"This isn't the point of the game, Connie," Armin complained. However, he was already dragging the fencing pieces to the game as he spoke. After another sullen pause, Armin sighed again. "What do you want to be?"

"What is there?" Connie leaned forward, squinting at the screen.

"Do you want to be a carnivore or an herbivore? Or an omnivore?"

"Something that eats meat, duh," Connie replied with a roll of his eyes as if it were obvious.

Armin studied the list of possible animals, trying to find the proper fit.

"How about a warthog?"

"Very funny, Arlert. Seriously—what'da got for me?"

"A grizzly bear?" the blond offered with a shrug of his shoulders.

Connie grinned. It was perfect. "And who's gonna be my lucky mate?"

Armin stopped and turned back towards the other teen. "Okay, now it's starting to get weird."

He took the hint and nodded. "Sorry. But really—who's going to, uh, share the exhibit with Grizzly Connie?"

Armin smirked as he typed the five letter name. When Connie read the name, he flushed a deep maroon.

"Sasha?! I don't like _Sasha!"_ Connie stammered. However, Armin's flat, unconvinced stare caused the boy to slump in his seat and cross his arms. "Fine, maybe a little…"

Armin smiled triumphantly and returned to the game. The other teen watched quietly, paying most of his attention to the grizzly bear exhibit, when a thought struck him.

"Hey! It's my turn to build an exhibit for _you."_

Flustered, the blond shook his head quickly. "No, you really don't ha—"

"It's only fair," Connie countered, already wrestling the mouse away from the younger teen. Armin's weak arm strength was no match and he soon had to relinquish the controls, much to his chagrin.

Connie's attempt to build an exhibit was sloppy at best and his shapeless blob fence arrangement stood out sharply against Armin's neatly ordered parallelograms. Still, the teen managed to connect the two sides of fencing together and labeled the exhibit _ARMINS HOUSE _in all caps with no punctuation. Without even asking for Armin's consent, Connie dragged a flailing chimpanzee from the animal menu to the center of the exhibit.

"A chimpanzee…?"

"They're really smart, right? And they use tools like sticks to catch termites."

Armin sighed good-naturedly. It was better than being a beaver, he supposed. Connie had already named the first chimp and was in the process of dragging over the female counterpart. Glancing slyly in Armin's direction, Connie quickly plinked in the female chimpanzee's name. _Annie. _When the blond neither denied nor confirmed Connie's suspicions, but instead collapsed into a shocked coughing fit, the older teen knew he made the right choice.

So for the next fifteen minutes, the boys continued to chuckle, snicker, and giggle as they created a magnificent park, filled with animals christened after their more striking classmates.

_Sasha is very hungry and cannot find any food._

Connie again burst into cackles at the eerily similar ties to real life. However, Armin looked vaguely distressed at the announcement.

"I can't believe we forgot the zookeepers," the boy lamented softly. "This could be bad."

"What's the big deal? What could possibly happen?"

"They might not let us adopt any more animals," Armin explained patiently, already reaching towards the staff button. "Plus the guest happiness is dropping because of the litter. We have to hire some zookeepers to feed the animals and some maintenance workers to clean up the trash. Also, they fix the fences so the animals don't get out."

"And that would be bad…?"

"Very bad," Armin countered flatly. "Especially with the dangerous animals."

Connie huffed, crossing his arms. "I don't see why we can't make this a safari instead of a zoo. I think the guests would like it more."

"Not if they're being eaten, they wouldn't."

"Are you serious? That's fantastic," Connie grinned. "We so got to let some of the animals out!"

Armin rolled his eyes and ignored the older boy. Instead he dragged two zookeepers and a maintenance worker to the screen.

"What are we going to name them? How about after teachers? 'Cause they're looking after the kids?"

"How about after the principal and the vice principal?" Connie's wicked grin returned.

"Alright," Armin consented, quickly dubbing one of the figures Keeper Erwin and the other Keeper Mike. "And the maintenance worker?"

"Levi," the older boy replied automatically. Armin laughed despite himself. It was a perfect name for the cleaner, as the real life model was the dedicated head janitor of the school. If anyone was as scary as Shadis about their duties, it would be Levi.

"Hey, what does the educator do?" Connie gestured towards the screen just as Armin was about to exit the staff page.

The blond's brows furrowed. "I never usually use them, but they follow around guests and just spout out random knowledge…" Armin trailed off as he exchanged a sly look with Connie.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?"

Armin had been thinking something. He had already hired an educator and had named it Educator Hanji after their eccentric, fact-spewing science teacher. Apart from possibly Levi the maintenance worker, Educator Hanji was the next best thing.

Connie rubbed at his chin. "Actually I was going to say you would have been a better educator. You love to bore people with all these weird facts."

Armin would have looked halfway offended if a small part of him hadn't known it to be true. Still he managed to look acceptably affronted.

"Not true—besides, I'm already a chimpanzee."

"Yeah, that reminds me. Let's go check up on everybody."

_Congratulations! Annie is now pregnant._

"Ha! Perfect timing!"

Armin's face flushed a deep red. "This isn't funny, Con—"

_Congratulations! Sasha has given birth._

_ "What the hell?! I didn't even know she was pregnant!" _

On that loud note, Shadis poked his head out of the librarians' lounge and glared at the two boys. However, after hearing Springer hyperventilate about pregnancies and Arlert trying to convince him it was all just a game and they could just release it to the wild or put it up for adoption—_what the hell are those two idiots blabbering about—_Shadis simply decided it was a wiser option to just pretend he hadn't heard anything.

"Connie! Calm down!"

"_Dammit—I should have known. Why else would she have been so hungry!"_

"Connie, Sasha wasn't actually pregnant," the blond attempted to quiet the older boy with little success. "Gizzley Sasha was. Plus, look—you had twins." Armin didn't know if that would shut the teen up or make him more panicked, but it was worth a shot.

Surprisingly, Connie froze and peered at the screen at two little brown blobs. "Can I name those too?"

"Uh, sure, I guess you can." Armin blinked slowly. "Wait, have you thought about what you would name your kids already…?"

Before Connie could answer, another message flashed on the screen.

_Congratulations! Titus has hatched from his egg. _

"What…is that?" Grizzly bear babies were instantly forgotten as the boy scrambled to find whatever Titus was and why it hatched from an egg. Usually big things with sharp teeth hatched from eggs and Connie was not disappointed.

"I forgot about it," Armin sounded genuinely surprised. "I must've placed the egg at the beginning and it's just now hatched."

"Is that a _dinosaur…_?" Although the pixels made the creature more deformed than usual, the shape was distinctively dinosaur-like. "I think you just hatched Godzilla," the older boy breathed. "Or at least a T-Rex."

"Not quite," the blond corrected. "Actually it's an Allosaurus."

"Does it eat meat?" Connie was asking the real questions. "Like, could it eat the other animals? Can we please put Jean in the exhibit with it?"

"_No," _Armin countered sharply, jerking the mouse away before Connie could act on his violent suggestions. "That is not ethical. Imagine the psychological trauma to the guests."

"This is just a game," Connie countered flatly. "Come on. It'd be fun to watch everyone run around."

Armin sighed again, but his resolve was weakening. Part of him wanted to delete a section of the fence to see what would happen as well. The blond decided on a compromise. "This is really awful, but I won't put the right plants in his exhibit. Also, I'll use regular fencing."

"So…?"

Armin suppressed a grin. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt so sadistic while playing this game. "So when Titus gets angry enough because he doesn't like his surroundings, he'll bust through the fence. Besides, he'll be an adult by then. Now he's just a baby dinosaur."

Connie cackled again. The boy's obvious delight in pixelated carnage should have frightened Armin as well, but it only made the blond more excited for the inevitable moment when all hell would break loose.

"You're telling me that we'll have a rampaging dinosaur on our hands in a little bit?"

"Yeah."

"This is the best detention I've ever served." The older boy leaned back in his squealing chair, waiting with barely suppressed glee.

Armin turned back to the screen and frowned at the latest red message. "Oh," he murmured softly.

"What's oh?" Connie sat up and looked towards the screen. "Did the fence bust already?"

The blond shook his head, his lips pressed firmly together in a taunt grimace. "Marco died of old age."

"Oh," Connie echoed, frowning as well. They had placed another zebra in Jean's exhibit to keep him company. "Wait, what do you mean old age? We've only been playing for an hour."

Armin highlighted the date on the screen. "Technically, yeah. But it's already been three years in game-time."

"Oh," Connie repeated, feeling a strange sense of sadness for the deceased zebra.

"It's only a matter of time before the others die of old age as well," Armin added softly.

Both boys fell silent, each becoming oddly emotional from a game consisting of pixelated animals and disgruntled guests.

"Man, I just want to see some animals eat some people," Connie muttered after another moment of quiet thought, clearly still irritated about losing one of their animals. "I didn't sign up for this _Old Yeller_ crap. Why'd they have to die?"

They lapsed into another silence, waiting for when Titus would emerge from his raging slumber.

Fortunately the two teens did not have to wait long. Surprisingly it was not Titus who shattered the fence first, but Reiner the rhinoceros who broke through a rusted section of fencing around his exhibit.

"Look!" Armin gestured excitedly towards the rhino. Connie leaned forward, grinning as the creature charged into the crowd, causing the brightly garbed zoo-goers to break into a slightly more panicked amble.

"Wait, now Titus is getting ready to break through!" Armin was barely able to keep his voice from rising above an excited whisper.

"This is going to be insane," Connie murmured back. The flickering computer screen was throwing odd shadows on the boy's face. Armin suspected he looked just as crazed in the pale light.

With another silent roar, the large dinosaur tipped back its head and charged through the flimsy iron fence. Although it produced no sound, Armin was reminded of the special effects from _Jurassic Park_, imagining that Titus was currently the fearsome T-Rex.

"Look! Look!" Connie jabbed at the dirty screen. Titus had turned in the direction of a panicked crowd. The Allosaurus Apocalypse was about to arrive.

As soon as the dinosaur reached the crowd, immediately the small group of people disappeared in a pixelated cloud of dust. Tiny squiggles and little white marks periodically appeared, signaling the battle raging on within the cloud. The scene would have been immensely comical if a red message hadn't flashed on the top of the screen.

_Guest 231 has been eaten by Titus._

"Wait, _what?"_

_Guest 411 has been eaten by Titus._

"What have we done?" Connie asked after a horrified pause.

_Guest 412 has been eaten by Titus._

_Guest 410 has been eaten by Titus._

"Oh my God," Armin agreed in a breathy whisper. "What if they had been married? I think we just killed a family."

"Wait, look! One of the zookeepers is going towards Titus. He'll stop him," Connie tried to smile weakly. "Right?"

"I'm not sure…"

_Keeper Mike has been eaten by Titus. _

Neither teen was smiling at that point. Connie glanced out of the corner of his eye to see an equally wide-eyed blond.

"Armin, what if Titus gets to Connie Junior or Connita?"

"_That's_ what you named your kids?!"

"Seriously, man—what are we going to do? We can't let him get to the other animals. What about you and Annie? And me and Sasha and Connie Junior and Connita?"

"I'll think of something," Armin turned back to the screen, resisting the urge to crack his knuckles like the tech geniuses in heist movies. "What if we try to trap it—"

"Hey, Armin! Connie!"

Surprisingly, it was Connie who shrieked, kicking the unfortunate modem under the desk at the calling of their name. The game flickered once on the screen before turning pitch black, reflecting the teens' terrified faces as clearly as an ebony mirror. The computer gave one last dying whimper before shutting down with a mournful buzz.

Progress had not been saved. The game was lost for eternity.

Armin and Connie exchanged horrified glances, Connie whispering "no one must know" as Mikasa and Eren approached with friendly smiles, still perspiring from practice. Armin didn't know if the boy was talking about the computer or the game or just _everything._

Still, he agreed with a faint bob of the head, not trusting himself to speak in his friends' presence.

"I'm surprised to see you here, Connie," Eren pushed back his dripping hair and adjusted the strap of his gym bag on his shoulder. "I thought you were on the baseball tea—"

"I had detention with Shadis," the boy rushed out quickly. "Couldn't make it to practice today."

"Oh," Eren responded softly. As if summoned by his name, the scowling librarian emerged from the room and eyed the teens with a suspicious glare.

"Sorry for the noise, sir," Armin was the first to speak. "We're going now."

Shadis nodded once. "At least this time you remembered to shut down the computer," he gestured towards the now black, defunct monitor. The two guilty teens chuckled weakly, but neither owned up to the crime. Neither of them breathed until they were safely in the parking lot.

As Eren and Mikasa packed up their equipment in the trunk, Connie leaned in towards Armin.

"You didn't grab your disc. It's still in the computer. What if Shadis finds it?"

"I don't think that computer is ever going to work again," Armin murmured back. "I don't think I'm going to get my disc back either."

"Maybe it's for the best," Connie agreed. "There is no way in hell that I'm ever going to play that sick game again. We killed a family."

Another moment passed as Eren struggled with little success to load Mikasa's field hockey stick into the trunk.

"Though, I do have the marine version at home," Armin added as if it were an afterthought. "Even the dolphins can't escape the tanks…"

A strange light flooded the older boy's eyes. "Are there sharks too?"

"Over five species, including great whites," Armin whispered back.

"Bring it tomorrow."

* * *

**Thanks for reading! **I understand if you no longer respect me as a person. I just know how dorky my Zoo Tycoon stage was (fine, _is_), so I had to write it with two of the dorkiest boys in this universe.


End file.
